There’s a sentence I hear all the time:
“They should know.”
They should know not to call me that late.
They should know I don’t have time for that.
They should know that behavior isn’t acceptable.
They should know I’m already overwhelmed.
They should know better.
Maybe.
But here’s the question I asked during yesterday’s #LIVE365:
Did you ever actually tell them?
Because you can’t fairly hold someone accountable to a boundary you never communicated.
A Boundary Isn’t Something You Keep in Your Head
We get frustrated with people for crossing lines they didn’t even know existed.
We say yes when we want to say no.
We make exceptions.
We tolerate behavior that bothers us.
We keep accommodating.
We hint.
We sigh.
We complain to somebody else.
And eventually, after weeks or months of it, we blow up.
But from the other person’s perspective, nothing changed.
Their behavior didn’t change. Your tolerance for it did.
That’s an important distinction.
If something matters enough that violating it could damage a relationship, your business, or your ability to lead effectively, why would you leave it open to interpretation?
A real boundary eventually requires a conversation.
This is what I’m okay with.
This is what I’m not okay with.
This is what I need going forward.
And sometimes:
This is what I’m going to do if it continues.
That’s clarity.
People Pleasers, This One Is for Us
I understand this one because I fight it myself.
I like helping people. I want people to like me. And if you’re wired that way, saying no can be difficult.
“Can you squeeze this in?”
Sure.
“Can I call you tonight?”
Absolutely.
“Can you make an exception?”
Yep.
“Can you handle one more thing?”
I got it.
Then suddenly you’re overwhelmed, frustrated and maybe even a little pissed off because everybody keeps taking advantage of you.
But there’s a hard question we need to ask ourselves:
How many times did we teach them that it was okay?
Sometimes people aren’t violating our boundaries.
They’re simply operating inside the boundaries we’ve demonstrated.
Every Yes Has a Cost
Every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else.
Yes to another meeting may mean no to time with your family.
Yes to another client may mean no to doing exceptional work for the clients you already have.
Yes to solving another employee’s problem may mean no to developing that employee’s ability to solve problems without you.
And yes to “keeping the peace” today may mean no to having a healthy relationship six months from now.
Sometimes the hard conversation isn’t complicated at all.
Sometimes it’s simply:
No.
Or:
“I appreciate you asking, but I can’t commit to that.”
You don’t always need an eight-paragraph explanation.
You don’t need to build a courtroom defense proving why your no is justified.
You can be kind.
You can explain when it makes sense.
But you don’t need to convince somebody else that your boundary is legitimate.
Boundaries Aren’t About Controlling Other People
This is where I think boundaries sometimes get misunderstood.
A boundary isn’t:
“You’re not allowed to do that.”
You can’t control another adult.
A boundary is about defining what you are willing to participate in and what you will do if the situation continues.
There’s a huge difference between:
“You can’t yell at me.”
and:
“I’m willing to have this conversation, but I’m not willing to be yelled at. If that happens, I’m going to step away and we can try again later.”
One tries to control the other person.
The other defines your response.
That’s a boundary.
Business Owners Do This All the Time
A customer calls at 9:30 at night.
You answer.
They text at 9:45 the next night.
You respond.
Three months later you’re saying:
“This customer has no boundaries!”
Maybe.
But who kept answering the phone?
Or an employee repeatedly comes in late.
You notice it.
You say nothing.
It happens again.
Nothing.
Again.
Nothing.
Then one morning you explode.
From that employee’s perspective, they may genuinely be wondering:
What changed today?
Their behavior didn’t.
Your tolerance did.
That’s why these conversations need to happen earlier.
A Boundary Without Follow-Through Is Just a Request
Here’s where it gets harder.
You communicate the boundary.
The other person understands it.
And then they cross it again.
Now what?
Because if you repeatedly say, “This can’t continue,” but it continues and nothing happens, you’ve communicated something else:
Actually, it can continue.
Not every boundary needs some massive consequence.
This isn’t about going scorched earth every time somebody screws up.
But if the line actually means something, eventually you have to honor it.
Otherwise, why should anyone else?
Pay Attention to Resentment
Resentment can be useful information.
When you start feeling resentment toward somebody, don’t immediately decide they’re a jerk.
Get curious.
Ask yourself:
Is there a boundary I haven't communicated?
Maybe you’ve said yes too many times.
Maybe you’ve allowed something you’re actually not okay with.
Maybe you’re giving more than you really want to give.
Maybe you expect something you’ve never actually asked for.
Sometimes resentment is pointing toward a conversation you’ve been avoiding.
You Don’t Need a Giant Speech
The conversation can be simple.
Try this:
“I realize I haven’t been very clear about this, and that’s on me. Going forward, here’s what I need.”
That’s a powerful opening because there’s no accusation.
No anger.
No drama.
You’re taking responsibility for the fact that you haven’t communicated clearly, and then you’re establishing what needs to happen moving forward.
Maybe it’s:
“I’m not going to be available for business calls after 6 PM anymore.”
Or:
“I’m happy to help, but I can’t keep taking this responsibility back.”
Or:
“I’m willing to talk about this, but not while we’re yelling at each other.”
Or simply:
“I can’t commit to that.”
Clear.
Kind.
Done.
But Then You Have to Honor It
This may be the most important part.
Stop asking other people to respect boundaries you won't respect yourself.
If you say no calls after 6 PM and answer every time the phone rings, what did you teach them?
If you tell an employee something needs to change and tolerate the same behavior for another six months, what did you teach them?
If you continually say, “I can’t keep doing this,” and then keep doing it anyway, what did you teach yourself?
A boundary isn’t just something you communicate.
It’s something you honor.
Three Questions Worth Asking Yourself
Think about one area of your life where you’re beginning to feel frustrated or resentful.
Then ask yourself:
1. What am I currently tolerating that I’m not actually okay with?
Be specific.
2. Have I clearly communicated that?
Not hinted.
Not complained about it to somebody else.
Not slammed a door, sighed loudly or hoped they’d figure it out.
Have you actually said it?
3. What will I do if it continues?
Notice the question isn’t:
What am I going to make them do?
It’s:
What am I going to do?
That’s your boundary.
Today’s Challenge
Identify one boundary you’ve been silently expecting somebody else to understand.
Then have the conversation.
Maybe it begins with:
“Hey, I realize I haven’t been clear about something…”
No anger.
No giant explanation.
No accusation.
Just clarity.
Because people can’t respect boundaries they don’t know exist.
Stop expecting people to read your mind.
Stop saying yes while secretly wishing you had said no.
Stop tolerating something for six months and exploding in month seven.
Say what you need.
Say what you’re willing to do.
Say what you’re not willing to do.
And then honor the boundary yourself.
That’s not selfish. That’s clarity.
And clarity gives relationships a chance.
This blog was adapted from Day 642 of #LIVE365 and Day 7 of the “10 Days of Hard Conversations” series with Bob Turner, founder of Summit Coaching & Consulting. Join Bob live every morning at 8:00 AM Eastern for conversations about business, leadership, accountability and personal development.
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